Rock N' Roll Douchebags

In keeping with the musical theme of my first post, I have decided to showcase a few of the most awesome videos I have ever seen featuring musicians acting like, or just being, fucking tools.

Speed Metal wizard Michael Angelo Batio does an instructional video series on how to play like a bombastic virtuoso. It is called Speed Kills, and it goes like this.


Mr. Batio was also in a totally kickass band in the 80's called Nitro, and this video is typical of the quality offered by what could possibly be the worst hair metal band of the era. Marvel at the most unsatisfying metal screams of all time from the asshole lead singer and please, I beg you to stick around for the four-necked guitar solo at 2:13.


This is an Australian band with no lyrics. The singer just grunts and asks the audience if they can "feel it". If "it" is uncomfortable or embarrassed for you, then yes, we do.


Now I'm going to shift your attention to a couple of the newer trends in music, and the douchebags that purvey them. I know this is a subject that has been beaten to fucking death over the past year and the corpse isn't even cold yet, but I'm using this blog as an opportunity to call yet even more attention to them and give my own two cents on a subject very close to my heart.
That said, no post on Rock N' Roll Douchebags would be complete without mentioning BrokeNCYDE. Many consider BrokeNCYDE to be the worst band on Earth right now, the reigning kings of Rock N' Roll Douchebaggery. Their combination of screamo, T-painesque autotuned vocals, and Lil Jon ripoff beats congeal into a confusing stew of mismatched elements that drop jaws and boggle the mind. How could this happen? Why would anybody think this is cool? Why has nobody stopped them yet? Somehow they have over 24,000 subscribers to their Youtube channel and some other totally undeserved number of myspace "friends", a testament to how horrid the state of music is right now. Ladies and gents, BrokeNCYDE fucking suck, and this is their debut music video, which speaks for itself.


As I mentioned before, it's pretty popular to come out and say that BrokeNCYDE is the worst band of all time, but that would be too easy for me. It is tempting, I'll admit it, and I do hate BrokeNCYDE and their music more than I can even say, but there is one other band that might be worse.
I will stop right here to point out that I am NOT MAKING THIS UP, and it is most definitely NOT A JOKE. This band actually exists, they are serious about what they do, and everything I say about them is true, I swear.
Attack Attack! plays music that belongs to a so many disparate genres that I don't know where to begin. Hardcore? Check. Metal? Check. Yet even more autotuned hip hop? Check. Emo? Check. EUROPEAN DANCE TECHNO? Unbelievably, check. And they are Christian. And they have choreographed dance moves both in this video and when they play live (trust me, I checked). Instead of explaining why they are referred to as "crabcore", I'll just invite you to watch the video for Attack Attack!'s hit single, Stick Stickly.

What. The. Fuck.
And while we're on the subject, why do jerks like BrokeNCYDE and Attack Attack! need to dress like both Hot Topic and Pac Sun exploded ONTO them and flat iron their highlighted hair like a bunch of fucking girls?
Attack Attack band photo:

From VH1's Tool Academy:

I rest my case.

-JG