Friday, January 29, 2010

Gavin McInnes is Fucking Hilarious

Gavin McInnes is fucking hilarious. His hypercritical fashion critiques had millions of terrorist scarf clad twentysomethings from Williamsburg and beyond riveted for years during his tenure as big kahuna at Vice Magazine. Now he has struck out on his own as one of the dudes behind Streetbonersandtvcarnage.com, probably the most consistently entertaining website on the internet today. He has also produced, written, and acted in shitloads of mind-numbingly funny web videos. Here are three of my faves.







Those youtube videos kick ass.

-JG

Monday, January 25, 2010

Poor Grandma

Yes! I don't know what the fuck might be wrong with me, but this video is so awesome it makes me wanna cry.


-JG

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Booze Commercials of Yesteryear

Raise your hand if you love alcohol!
Ooh! Me! Me! I do!
I drink all day, most days. I begin any day I don't have to work with either a bloody mary or a mimosa (or variant thereof, pinosa being my current favorite) or both, and keep it blasting all day with cheap red wine or PBR. In fact, as I type this, I'm unable to edit because I've been drinking all day. And I'm loving life right now. Booze rules, and if you're an alcoholic like me you like to get down to your roots, see what boozehounds before you were enticed by before all those *hic* gay regulations on alkee-hol ads kicked in.
Fuck those ads. *hic* I mean, regulashinnnnns.... *hic*

Check out this hee-lariously racist advert for Schlitz Malt Liquor from the late 70's/early 80's. It watches like a minstrel show.


James Mason enjoys the "unusual" flavor of Thunderbird, it's "not quite like anything he's ever tasted." I second that Jimmy. I've never tasted piss, either.


Speaking of Thunderbird, this ad suggests a new way to enjoy your favorite bum wine. I personally think it sounds repugnant, but then again you'll never see me try it so I guess I'll never know.


Let's say it's the early 90's and you're in the business of brewing Malt Liquor. Who better to ask to promote your product than the greatest SoCal gangsta rapper of all time, Ice Cube?

"Get your girl in the mood quicker/ Get your jimmy thicker/ With St. Ides malt liquor". FUCKING GENIUS!!!

Those are FUCKING KICKASS YOUTUBE VIDEOS, SON!

-JG

Monday, January 18, 2010

Will You Be Here Tomorrow?

Without a doubt, the most awesome safety video ever made.


I don't know what else to say about that.

-JG

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Prison Rape is Awesome

Someone who favorited a video that I made about prison rape also favorited this video. It seems odd that, even being someone who made a video making light of prison rape, would see this as being strange but I do, and here it is:
A VIDEO WITH SOME DUDE SAYING THAT IT AIN'T PROBABLY THAT BAD.
Word?
Prison marriage, actually. But his creepiness has trumped his intelligence. He's "so confused" about gay prison marriage. How is it possible that you are confused about this, sir? Have you ever seen Oz? We all know how gay prison marriage begins. You know, just dudes being dudes! Pumping iron, working on their bodies...and RAPING.



P.S. Fix that fucking lightbulb chain thing, or find a new place to shoot your crappy videos...
P.P.S. On a similar note, Jim Goad interviewed a guy named Donny ("the punk") in ANSWER Me #4. He was a guy who was raped in prison and loved it so much he got arrested on purpose to get sent back to the pen to get more RAPIN'! Great article, great zine. Try and find it, I promise you won't be disappointed.

That may or may not be a kickass youtube video.

-JG

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Grill Skills

I have been fortunate enough to have never, ever, ever in my life been forced to work at a fast food restaurant. I have, however, been forced to watch countless crazy training videos at a pet store I worked for, a call center, and the hotel I currently work at. All of them assume that you are a complete idiot and are generally retarded in every way, but none I've ever seen are as face meltingly psychedelic as this one. It takes a minute or two to get going, but once you see the singing beef patties, you will know it was all worth it.

Part 1:


Part 2:


Those Youtube Videos KICK ASS.

-JG

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

In Memory of Jay Reatard

They broke the mold when they made Jay. He will be missed.



-JG

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Rock N' Roll Douchebags

In keeping with the musical theme of my first post, I have decided to showcase a few of the most awesome videos I have ever seen featuring musicians acting like, or just being, fucking tools.

Speed Metal wizard Michael Angelo Batio does an instructional video series on how to play like a bombastic virtuoso. It is called Speed Kills, and it goes like this.


Mr. Batio was also in a totally kickass band in the 80's called Nitro, and this video is typical of the quality offered by what could possibly be the worst hair metal band of the era. Marvel at the most unsatisfying metal screams of all time from the asshole lead singer and please, I beg you to stick around for the four-necked guitar solo at 2:13.


This is an Australian band with no lyrics. The singer just grunts and asks the audience if they can "feel it". If "it" is uncomfortable or embarrassed for you, then yes, we do.


Now I'm going to shift your attention to a couple of the newer trends in music, and the douchebags that purvey them. I know this is a subject that has been beaten to fucking death over the past year and the corpse isn't even cold yet, but I'm using this blog as an opportunity to call yet even more attention to them and give my own two cents on a subject very close to my heart.
That said, no post on Rock N' Roll Douchebags would be complete without mentioning BrokeNCYDE. Many consider BrokeNCYDE to be the worst band on Earth right now, the reigning kings of Rock N' Roll Douchebaggery. Their combination of screamo, T-painesque autotuned vocals, and Lil Jon ripoff beats congeal into a confusing stew of mismatched elements that drop jaws and boggle the mind. How could this happen? Why would anybody think this is cool? Why has nobody stopped them yet? Somehow they have over 24,000 subscribers to their Youtube channel and some other totally undeserved number of myspace "friends", a testament to how horrid the state of music is right now. Ladies and gents, BrokeNCYDE fucking suck, and this is their debut music video, which speaks for itself.


As I mentioned before, it's pretty popular to come out and say that BrokeNCYDE is the worst band of all time, but that would be too easy for me. It is tempting, I'll admit it, and I do hate BrokeNCYDE and their music more than I can even say, but there is one other band that might be worse.
I will stop right here to point out that I am NOT MAKING THIS UP, and it is most definitely NOT A JOKE. This band actually exists, they are serious about what they do, and everything I say about them is true, I swear.
Attack Attack! plays music that belongs to a so many disparate genres that I don't know where to begin. Hardcore? Check. Metal? Check. Yet even more autotuned hip hop? Check. Emo? Check. EUROPEAN DANCE TECHNO? Unbelievably, check. And they are Christian. And they have choreographed dance moves both in this video and when they play live (trust me, I checked). Instead of explaining why they are referred to as "crabcore", I'll just invite you to watch the video for Attack Attack!'s hit single, Stick Stickly.

What. The. Fuck.
And while we're on the subject, why do jerks like BrokeNCYDE and Attack Attack! need to dress like both Hot Topic and Pac Sun exploded ONTO them and flat iron their highlighted hair like a bunch of fucking girls?
Attack Attack band photo:
Photobucket
From VH1's Tool Academy:
Photobucket
I rest my case.

-JG

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Arnold Schwarzeneggar's Comercial Career

Before he was the governor of Califas (wtf, right?), Arnie had bills to pay and apparently his 20 kajillion dollar salary per blockbuster action flick wasn't cutting it. As evidenced by the following clip, he was not below appearing in totally batshit crazy Japanese ads for cup-o-noodles, canned coffee beverages, and what I think is some kind of energy drink.

Enjoy:


Now that's a Kickass Youtube Video!

-JG

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Worst Band Ever

Searching for something like "Worst Band Ever" might seem like it would yield some pretty subjective results, but it actually gives you some pretty bona-fide hilarious shit, even in the first page of search results.

For instance, take Behold, The Arctopus. Technical, yes. But they still suck. Warr guitars do not impress me. I warn you, a sane person will not be able to sit through this video from beginning to end.


No matter where you are, there will always be shitty music. This is the worst band in Hong Kong. Listen as the poor guy recording this groans in agony during the sensitive piano part. We're with you, man!


Now for the worst band in Russia, who seem as though they have never played music in the same room with one another once in their lives.


Now a classic, the worst cover ever performed by any band of any song, ever.


Someone actually took the time to take the audio from the above video and put it over the real video for The Final Countdown, with shockingly kickass results.


Now those are some kickass youtube videos!

-JG